TOXIC PEOPLE: WHO ARE THEY & WHY WE NEED TO PROTECT OURSELVES FROM THEM

Why is this a part of healing ourselves? Because toxic people are soul-suckers. They take up our precious energy and trap us in a never-ending and doomed-to-fail cycle of trying to please them.

If we don’t learn to deal with them, we will spend our entire lives in a rat wheel, getting no where and exhausting ourselves and our children in the process. One day, we will become one of them.

WHO ARE TOXIC PEOPLE

1- They have a lot of expectations from everyone

2- And yet no one is ever up to their expectations

3- They have some kind of tool they use to try and control others (extreme anger, shaming, emotional blackmail, tears, self-pity, victim mentality)

4- They gossip a lot about everyone

5- They fixate on material objects and money

6- They’re never TRULY grateful for their own blessings

7- And yet somehow manage to show off

I could go on, but you get the drift.

DEALING WITH TOXIC PEOPLE

1- DO NOT let anyone ever tell you to “just ignore them” (daffa maro)

Own your own feelings of being hurt by such people. It’s ok to feel your pain instead of trying to convince yourself that you shouldn’t feel pain. Or that you “just need a thicker skin”.

The only kind of person who’d be unaffected by unkind words would be a sociopath or robot who has no ability to feel or think. Normal people ARE affected by toxicity.

2- DO NOT let anyone tell you that you need more Sabr (patience)

Indulging toxic people perpetuates the cycle of abuse and hurt. Why would we want to water that poisonous plant?

3- Don’t let them use their “tool” against you.

When they start to get angry or emotional or dramatic, just walk away calmly. Say, “That’s not helpful. Let me know when you’re ready to talk coherently.” (Aisay baat nahi Ho sakti- Ap jab thora thanday Ho jayain tou baat karaain gai).

4- Understand that hurt people hurt others:

What helps me to deal with such people is to remind myself that whatever suffering they’re trying to cause me is nothing compared to their own suffering. When I look at it this way, all I can really do is feel sad for them. This view allows me to entirely dismiss their opinions about me.

5- Toxic people thrive on your lack of boundaries

As soon as we start to establish boundaries, toxic people will try to shame us. They might even throw a few verses from the Quran at us. In such times, I remind myself of a wise scholar’s words, “Whenever someone uses God’s words to make a point against you, they’re violating the very rights of those words they’re quoting. Ignore them.”

6- Without boundaries, you WILL crash and burn

Feelings are not fluffy clouds that evaporate into nothingness. Feelings are a force of nature. They’re ENERGY and energy is only transferred, not squashed. Don’t let yourself think that you will just “bury” your feelings and be done. You’re just feeding the lava monster- when it erupts, it won’t be pretty.

7- Don’t try to be a martyr unless it’s an actual maidaan-e-jang (war zone).

We should ONLY ever do what’s easily doable for us. Until we’ve healed ourselves, it’s best to leave making lofty sacrifices to saints 😉 Once we’re well on our way to healing, we can start making true and real sacrifices which really are amazing and feel beautiful because they’re done with pure intentions.

8- Communicate clearly and respectfully

Toxic people love using opportunities to use your own words against you. Don’t give them this opportunity. Stay respectful even when stating your boundaries.

“Mujhay aisay mat kahain please. Mujhay Acha nahi lagta.” (Please don’t talk to me like this, I don’t like it)

“Main ye nahi kar sakta.. sorry. Main ye kar sakta hoon...” (I cant do that, I’m sorry but I can do this.)

9- Maintain your distance

Even if you live in the same house, try your best to create your own safe space. The human brain is not capable of listening to unkind words day in and day out and remain a productive organ. If you like your brain, protect it from toxicity. Keep the contact to minimal.

10- Don’t spend precious energy hating them

Hate requires considerable energy and time. Toxic people are not worth it. Say a prayer for them and move on.