Why is my kid so angry all the time?

Is your child ALWAYS angry? 

I know I said in the #dontworrylist that kids express strong emotions and that’s normal and ok. 

However, kids should not ALWAYS be angry. Like 90% of the day. 

If that’s happening especially with an older child (6 years or more)... we DO have a problem though it’s always better to reserve energy towards finding a solution than just worrying. 

Frequent displays of anger from a child indicate that she feels she’s “not good enough”. 

Anger is the tough and hard shield she can hide behind. 

She’s been shown that she’s only lovable when “she is good”. She gets praise and rewards for “being good”. 

When she makes mistakes, she gets criticized, she gets lectured, punished, having privileges revoked, or being told to go to her room or time outs. 

In other words... unless she’s “perfect”, she’s not good enough. 

After a while, this pressure is too much. No one can do well when they’re under so much pressure.. 

This is why we see lots of kids at ages 7-10 just absolutely losing it. Tweens (name for kids aged 7-12) are the new teenagers. 

They shut down. They show anger all the time. 

They’ve had enough. 

It’s been too many years of being loved conditionally.. of being sent the message.. we love you only when “you are a acha bacha” (“good kid”). 

What to do now? 

Start by accepting their NOW feelings as legitimate and justified. 

Their feelings are not separate from them. 

They ARE their feelings. Accept the feelings and the kid feels accepted. 

“You seem very angry these days.. I think I know why.. I think I screwed up. I want to make a change. Can we start over?” 

That’s just a start. Words mean nothing to children if they’re not backed up by actions. 

Start by offering zero criticism at anything they do. 

Always stop unsafe behaviors by blocking and gently saying, “I can’t let you..” but that’s all. No lectures. No punishments. Not even any mention of “how many times have I told you?”

Nope. Just block with gentle words and move on. 

Create opportunities for connection. Ask for their help in things they like helping with. Thank them sincerely when they make better choices but don’t go overboard on the praise. Let go of the #rewardsmentality. (Rewards are the other side of the punishment coin). 

If any issues come up, problem-solve together. “I’m worried that there’s are too many video games hours these days. How can I help you regulate better?”

Ask questions instead of offering solutions. 

Give them more choices and control over their lives. Show them you trust them and they ARE good enough. 

And in the end...

Don’t beat yourself up. This is a great opportunity to model what to do when you know you’ve made a mistake and want to make amends. We got this!! ??? #rewardsmentality